What Happens When You Stop Labeling Things “Bad” or “Good”
I had put off washing the siding of my tiny home for way too long. The unpainted wood was filthy and needed a new coat of sealer. Now summer was ending and I was frantically scrubbing away, hoping to get at least two sides of the house done before the start of continuous rainy days, here in the greater Seattle area.
I mentally kicked myself for procrastinating so long: “I failed. I failed,” the words ran through my mind. “I shouldn’t have spent time on frivolous activities when I could have been doing this.”
But as this emotionally charged thought passed through my mind, it did not possess my consciousness as this sort of thought used to do. By practicing meditation, I’ve learned to observe this kind of thought with a measure of objectivity. I asked myself if making angry accusations was really what I wanted to do.
I tried out a more positive approach. I reminded myself that I had been prioritizing important stuff and much of my time had been well spent on relationships, especially time spent with my young daughter, whom I can only expect to be my close companion for so long. I could plausibly reinterpret my choices as “okay.”
I examined this thought and did not find it compelling. So I proposed to myself remaining neutral about the situation, neither condemning myself as a failure nor patting myself on the back, but simply observing carefully what had happened and what the results had been.
So I practiced saying to myself, without judging my actions as good or bad, things like “I severely underestimated how many hours it would take to remove the deteriorated caulk from the siding [which was “Step Zero” before washing the wood and then applying sealer]. And I did not anticipate how physically taxing it would be. I delayed a very long time when I needed to ask someone for help with a ladder. An extreme reluctance to ask for help is a common reason that I take a very long time completing tasks. I don’t even want to admit that it might have been a good idea to ask for help with the entire project, not just the ladder.”
I have not made noticeable progress since then on resolving my issues about asking for help. But I have a greater awareness that this is something I need to work on if I want to be more effective in life. And my perennial issue of having low energy, I have possibly made some progress on (by making some dietary changes).
So, this is an example of how I practice not labeling something as “bad” or “good,” but instead take a neutral position so I can try to see what may be important for me to learn from it.
Now, what I have described as a “neutral” position is not entirely value neutral. It still assumes that being effective is good and not meeting goals is bad. But I’m referring to it as “neutral” and contrasting it with labeling things as “good” or “bad” based on the emotional associations with those ideas.
Presumably, the neurological reactions of anger and fear (the feeling of something being “bad”) developed in humans as a way of helping us to avoid or defend ourselves against danger. “Snake bad! Avoid snake!” or “Kill snake!”
The problem is, a lot of things that I get mad about as a 21st century person are only kind of “dangerous,” in an abstract sort of way, but really the situation is quite complicated and in order to address the “danger” that my brain is trying to warn me about, I can’t just whack my problem with a club to kill it (or run away from it). A life of simpler hazards might require a lot of immediate, unqualified condemnation of things. Modern life is too complex for that. I mean, instead of just killing and avoiding snakes, we can now keep them as awesome pets! Woohoo!
So, anyway, I practice stepping back from an emotional reaction of anger (or fear), and instead try to describe the facts of the situation objectively — what happened and what were the results (or what might happen, and what would be the results)?
If I had gone on angrily condemning myself for not getting my siding project done earlier, I don’t think it would have helped me to avoid making the same mistake in the future. Because the reasons it took me so long were not something I could address through simple aggressive or evasive action (there’s no enemy to subdue or run from).
It also would not have helped me had I re-framed my choices as “good,” even though it might make me feel happier (in the moment). Because what I had done really fell short of my personal goals and aspirations and I know that I have the potential to do better. I don’t want to encourage myself to continue doing the same thing by saying it was “good.” And I don’t want to get into a habit of trying to justify my actions (as if that were important) instead of working to understand them more deeply.
Remaining neutral and trying to describe things objectively gave me some very useful information that I hadn’t previously brought to conscious awareness.
So, anyway, I just wanted to share this because I find it a very worthwhile practice. You can use it when thinking about your own frustrations in life, and you can also use it to think more objectively about other people’s actions (including when it comes to political issues).
I admit I feel kind of silly breaking my long writing hiatus with this very dull article, but whatever. (It’s like watching paint dry — or maybe like … watching someone scrub the siding of their house?) Anyhoo, if you actually read this far, thank you! Drop me a comment if this is something you’ve practiced, too. (Because I am genuinely curious.)
